093020–

 

yo i lost my mind two weeks ago and damn, that shit was nothing like i thought it’d be. and yeah i guess that’s the whole point of one’s mind being somewhere else entirely while one’s self is left to stumble after the broken pieces of reality their mind leaves in its erratic wake. but damn. that shit was nothing like i thought it’d be.

 

generally speaking, you can rest assured my mind has returned. that is to say, i’m no longer incoherent and spontaneous to the point of self harm or otherwise unintended violent consequences. but more specifically speaking, i’m not so sure if the mind i’ve found is the same as the one i lost. 

 

me and my bipolar I diagnosis have hella trust issues. during my episode of mental psychosis, i doubted every source of counsel and instruction i encountered. my best friend served as the decision making part of my brain, while my body flung itself from one precarious act of disobedience to the next. 

 

to say that my mind is back is a comforting thought (and feeling), but trust is still an issue it seems. i can’t fully trust myself to know what’s best for me, a revelation brought to me by a doctor (and friend’s dad) i happen to trust a ton. therefore: 

• i cannot live alone for the next 3 months 

• i must take my meds twice a day

• i must find a psychiatrist / therapist duo to help me get better slowly but surely 

 

as one with their conscious mind intact might imagine, i’m practicing a lot of trust nowadays. i’ve got a tribe of humans whom i trust to have my back to a fault, mostly because they were the ones there for me when i could scarcely be held responsible for the vicissitudes of my waking decisions. but as for resuming my role as the primary source of truth regarding my own well being...well that’s a work in progress. 

 

one of the biggest trust questions i’m still grappling with is: if not me, who can i trust about the quality of my art? 

 

perhaps a separate and entirely distinct question is: who can i trust about the authenticity of my art? the answer to this one, it seems, is self evident.